49. You said you'd be there...

This is a hard one to write because I worry that some people will take it the wrong way but I also believe this is something that needs to be shared, not only from a personal perspective but also a collective perspective of other cancer and chronic illness patients I've met with.

When I first decided to tell people I had cancer, the outpouring of support was overwhelming! People near and far reached out and shared with me that they were thinking about me and said "I'll be there for you!" and I believe this was super genuine and kind. It's what anyone that cares about you would say for sure.

But I would be amiss to say that I still feel supported by so many that once reached out. We get busy. It's hard to be supportive of all the people we've said that to, am I right?

The years go by and I haven't died yet. I have good days and terrible days, just like everyone else. Again this is my collective perspective I'm talking about, after talking with other cancer patients. So many of us now are living "with" cancer rather than expiring immediately "from" it, and as the time goes by, I have to admit, it gets lonlier and lonlier because those people have gone on with their lives. I feel stuck sometimes with this because as much as I wish, and as much as I pretend that I'm still "okay" or healthy, the simple truth is that I'm not. It takes a lot some days, not to crumple to a heap on the floor in pain and tears of defeat. It takes a lot to act like everything is hunky dory and everything is "fine". It takes a lot to fight the feelings of bitterness while I watch everyone around me enjoy their busy, healthy lives.

So how do we, as people feeling left behind to deal with our issues, cope with these feelings? I think there are 2 directions one can take. I've done both actually, but one way is clearly better.

We can look at everything that's going wrong and fall down the black hole called "despair". This is a terrible place. It means there's no hope and all is lost and "what even is the point?" And when you're here it is so dark that you can't even see the light. When I was in this place I felt terribly alone, even though I had people around me that loved and supported me. I went to therapy, talking about how I felt, leaving feeling worse than ever. I was losing myself in this despair and losing relationships and connections I'd spent my entire life building.

One day I decided that this was no way to live. I got up and said enough of this, this cannot be the way.

I had to make the conscious decision that there was a purpose for my life and I needed to find it.

I started to look outside of myself. Instead of an inward lens, as society teaches us to look inward, I started to look for hope. Outside of myself. I started to look for others who were suffering too.

I've often talked about how our suffering can be a lifeline for others.

I went to a Bible believing church. I learned about the true character of God, and what Jesus came here for. To give us hope.

Paul writes about suffering having a purpose in II Corinthians 1:4, 3, 5-7 NKJV:

[4] who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

[3] Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

[5] For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. [6] If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. [7] And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

So what happens when we look for something? You look for trouble and you find it. You look for beauty and you find it. You look for hope...it is there and it is abundant if you look!

Maybe start smaller if you feel like this is a stretch for you right now, start by looking for someone else who sounds like they're going through something you are. Search on social media using keywords and you might be surprised how easy it is to connect with others. There are lots of Facebook groups! If you join a private one you can share freely without any of your friends seeing your posts.

Where I am, we have in-person and online support groups for cancer that I belong to as well.

Connections help us to stay hopeful, seeing someone else who is also suffering and understands this loneliness helps us tame these feelings. Looking outside of ourselves and even trying to help others also helps.

So while I'm bummed that so many of the people who pledged they'd be there for me have distanced themselves, either intentionally, or unintentionally, since those first days, I've managed to find my tribe and find my purpose and you will too if you look!